Old Journal




6-30-07 I woke up today and I felt pretty decent. I had alot on my mind, but I just kept busy. I
went to go eat at Solera's I havn't ever ate there before. I guess I wont go back anytime soon
either. I guess its like Majors or Chammps but not as good.  Went to downtown St paul and
had drinks at Alary's and then to the Hilton where Steve was working. Then I made my way to
the vfw and played poker. I lost right away. I sucks pretty bad. jim, Becky, and Sarah were
there too. Afterwards we went to Bradys for drinks and darts. I tried very hard to act normal
tonight. I guess the normal Tony was winning the battle today. The anger was slowly going
away. I realized tonight. It wasn't evelyn I had to let go. It was just the fact I  didn't let go of
this anger I had inside. All the hate I had inside that I was supposed to be angry about 4 years
ago. When we broke up. I new I would get angry and feel very pissy about it. It never
happened and I tried to pretend everything was ok. I have been doing it for 4 years now. Thats
why all the rage was coming out.

6-29-07 Today was an odd day. I had no clue what to expect. After work today we went over
to Brian's house and we had some drinks there. I then went to meet up with everyone and we
took the mini van to the taste of Minnesota. They didn't seem to have as good of food this
year. it was busy. I still get a good laugh when you walk in they have anti gang units there.
Atleast its somewhat safer then when it used to be at the Capitol. After wards I went over to
Dan's. I should have just went home. I lost control again. I got so angry. I just went home. I
was just letting it go. I guess. Tomorrows going to be the big day. All these years of anger is
coming out of me. Maybe its just time to move on.

6-28-07 Good mood today. Well sort of, I guess today was the calm before the storm type of
thing. My skin is still peeling. Its getting really annoying right now. I am wearing a long sleeve
shirt, because its emberassing. I decided I am going to do another spur of the moment thing
this summer. It was in the budget for next summer. I am going to take motor cycle lessons. Me
and a guy from work are going to get our licenses soon. After work today I went to Cantebury
to bet on horses. it took me an hour to get there. Traffic was a bitch. The betting was weird, I
have never done it before. I guess I didn't understand it at first, but after you get used to it. It
makes things exciting. I have chewed so much gum, my jaw hurts. I have been working out
alot to get aggression out. I feel pretty buff right now. Today was a better day, hopefully it just
follows through. My alcohol consumption has been down  85% I am drinking alot less. I don't
really drink much when I am depressed.

6-27-07 Whats messed up is, how hard is it to working in a flower shop. I sent my friend Ashley
flowers for her bday to her work in New York and she called me to say thanks. I asked her how
she liked the flowers, chocolate candy and bday balloon. She didn't get balloon or chocolate.
She got flowers and crackers. Who the fuck sends people crackers with flowers. WTF. I called
the floral shop up and said she should have gotten chocolate and a bday balloon too. I said, do
people seriously send people fucking crackers. I was so angry, they only refunded me like
$11.00 for the balloon and chocolates. It sucks, I can't send a balloon or anything now, the
moment has passed. Stupid, stupid as hell. I try to do something nice and I can't do it right,
screw that. Other people can't do it right. Theres nothing wrong with me. I sat on the steps
outside at work for a few minutes and stared into the streets. Just as long as I could look at
something to keep my mind of things. That made me happy. It was a nice day out too. I was
supposed to hang out with Susan tonight, we used to talk alot about everything. I helped her
all the time when she needed it. I felt, I didn't want her to see me this way, since she hasnt seen
me since my bday. So I decided to just cancel and maybe hang out another night.

6-26-07 Angry, I was just angry today. I broke down a few times today. I am just getting tired
of this. Little things trigger different things. Today, when I got messages from Jo and Kelley. I
realized it was time to just throw in the towel. I need counseling, so I will look into it tomorrow.
This afternoon, I was going through rough times. I had to leave, I got in my car and I just
drove and drove. I went to my safe spot. Which is by the airport. I always like to watch planes
fly by and land. It was what me and Evelyn used to do. I started to become angry. Angry at all
those times I got screwed. All those times, I was used or taken advantage of. Maybe, this is why
I explode, I never let my anger take over. I just didn't want to be around anyone. This time, I
let it go, I let myself get angry. I had so much hate for some people I know. I ended up going
to the Stadium in white bear. I then went to The Corner Bar where Heather was working to
close out the night. I think its time for a fresh start, I am going to weed out the negatives and
put my self around people that truely care. People think its just a simple fix, and its just cause of
evelyn and the 4 year, but its so much more complicated then that.

6-25-07 This was a very stressful day for me. I blew up on a co worker today. I just can't
control my emotions at all right now. Every little thing I do I either flip like a switch or just lose
control. When I got home from work today. I found out one of my favorite wrestlers died,
actually his whole family died. Which is very odd. I found it kinda hard to believe since chris
Benoit always seems to be one of the nicest people around. Weird though. It kinda bugged me
alot actually, so I needed to get a drink. I tried to get ahold of people cause I needed someone
to hang out with, but nobody called back. It made me kinda sad. I did goto the vfw and drink
there. Then I made my way to Brady's. I was so disoriented on my thoughts I couldn't think
anymore. I guess that was a good thing, for a brief moment I just stopped caring about all the
drama. I need to learn how to do that more often. I was thinking I need to get away. Not
camping, but get away. I have been leaning the wrong way lately. I am going to spend some
time alone this week. People have been hurting me way to much lately.

6-24-07 I woke up this morning getting plenty of sleep. I drove to the gas station and grabbed
some vitamin water. I am kinda addicted to those right now. Makes me feel like I am doing
something healthy. I weighed my self today. I have lost more weight this weekend. I guess I
have been eating very healthy and eating alot less. I have stayed away from french fries. I went
to the vfw to visit. I didn't get any drinks. I went to work for a bit. I just felt like getting away. It
was very quiet for the 2 hours I was there. I went back to the vfw and I ordered a beer. I havnt
done that in a long time. i went to the Legion, but didn't drink much. Well I got 3rd place at
poker and I had to celebrate with someone. I saw Joe sitting there all tired and out of it. So I
had to get him a shot to wake him up. I went to Pov's for volleyball tonight. We won 2 to 1.
We have this one girl on the team thats so bad, every time they hi tit to her she misses or hits
to who knows where. I feel bad, but come on, volleyball is an easy sport. After a few beers, I
went home. I was tired and my wrist have been hurting alot from bowling and working out. I
figured I needed it healthy for the bowling tournament this sunday.

6-23-07 I couldn't decide what I wanted to do today. My skin is peeling from being in the sun
way to much last weekend. I ended up going to the vfw and I was determined to win the meat
raffle. I finally won. I was so happy. I ended up picking Cara up and we went to meet up with
Jenni and Andy, and her dad and his g/f. I love eating at Buca's, even if I end up stuffing my self
full of food. My favorite is the macaroni Rosa. It was fun. It was a good night there. It wasn't
busy like it normally is. I guess with all the other Buca's all over the city. This place might close
down. I dropped Cara off and I went to the vfw and then the American. Jim, Dan, and Mike
were there so it was fun meeting up with them guys.

6-22-07 So today was an odd day. I got up early to drop the car off at Tires plus for an oil
change. Made my wonderful walk to work. Things have been very busy around here. I can't
wait till July 1st comes, means camping and done with stupid busy season and past memories.  
After work today Mario dropped me off and I got my car. I was going to go back to work, but I
could not get back into the TIES parking lot, so I said screw it and went home. Stupid back to
the 5o's cars blocking the way. I got home and I really didn't feel like doing anything tonight. i
just wanted to stay home and do nothing. I needed to be alone. I ignored phone calls and I am
glad I did. I did go out to Buffalo Wild Wings with andy and jenni. I made it a quick night. I
needed rest.

6-21-07 i was just grouchy all day. I wasn't even in the mood for kickball tonight. I only ate two
pieces of pizza today at lunch. Just wasn't feeling it. Tonight at kickball we lost 7 to 3. I was very
upset at the end of the game. I didn't even give my team a chance. I think we were just feeling
so confident, it all imploded. My finale kick in the 9th inning, I popped it to left field. The guy
made a difficult catch and I was so upset I took my shoes off and just gave up. I just stopped
believing we were the under dawg team that could always come back. Tonight is not how I
wanted the season to end. I was always told I am the randy moss type of player, I assumed it
was raw talent, but I was wrong it was more for my attitude then anything. We went to the
corner bar afterwards. Heather was working, so it was nice to see her again. I was very happy
to see the whole team out for our last gig. i was proud of that. We may fold this fall season for
kickball, but thats a hint Zero Gravity brand will go to other ventures this fall.

6-20-07 I was doing alot of thinking today. I think sometimes I don't appreciate things enough.
Most  of the time I am always caught up in things. I guess I am easilly pleased. When things go
wrong, I have a need to fix things to make it right. Sometimes I feel I am trying to  break things
on purpose just to challenge myself. After work today I went to happy hour at the vfw. I had
no intentions of playing cards, but since I had a good buzz going. I figured why not. I got 3rd
place. I did pretty well, for not getting many cards. I think finally I might have snapped in my
head. that mental clock inside my head finally stopped ticking and I couldn't decide if I was
angry or what. I feel like I am sinking fast. I havn't ate much lately. I lost a few lbs so thats
good. but regardless it was a Joe Lance bday and I used my winnings($10 bucks) to get him his
bazooka Joe.  Happy bday Joe!!

6-19-07 It was so cold this morning. I had the window up when I was driving in this morning. I
don't remember the last time I had to do that. Atleast it should get warmer later today. Me and
Scott went to Pizza Hut today, pizza sure hit the spot. I went to Friday for happy hour. I had to
have my margarita. I went to Steve's baseball game. I think they won 4 to 3. I went home to re
model my room a bit. I was feeling so tired from not sleeping much. I got kinda lazy and just did
laundry. I finally hooked my computer back up and had time to surf the web at home again. I
think my skin is starting to peel, but I can't tell. Stupid sun burn. I went to bed early tonight. I
just need to get back to basics.

6-18-07 I really wasn't in the mood for anything today. I wanted to go out for lunch, but I was
unable to do that since we had food here. After work I got home and I was not in the mood to
do anything or go out. I just wanted to be left alone. So, I did some work in my room and went
to the bank and eventually I went out to play some cards tonight. Playing cards helps me
through the stress process and I needed it. I ended up ahead tonight. I wanted to go jogging
today, but I couldn't do it. My body is still a bit burnt up and it hurts when I move around.
Thats what I get for not putting anything on when I was in the sun. I was thinking about
running marathons, figured it was something fun I could do  thats different and it would be a
challenge for me. Since my endurance is my weak spot.

6-17-07 How much do I like popping into work on a weekend. Well I did it again this morning. I
don't have my computer at home up and running, since my room is being remodeled. I went
out to  lake vadnais today and did some fishing. I didn't catch anything but very tiny sunfish. I
spent about 2 hours out there. I couldn't help noticing the family next to me, just hanging out
fishing. I guess, I never got that type of family trips. I went to get get food with Mary and
Mindy. Well, I got a drink. I went home for fathers day bbq. I am always the guy at the grill for
some reason. I ate a little, but not as much as I usually do. I went tot he VFW for a quick drink.
I then made my way out to POV's for volleyball. We won 3 games. The girly team sucked
pretty bad. I seriously think we could have crushed them more. Oh well. I got back to LC and
went bowling at Saxon. I was trying very hard, because I was asked to participate in a
vietnamese bowling tournament. I want to win. I notice, that lately, I can't control my emotions
right now. No matter what I do, or who I hang out with, same scenario. Right now I am not
comfortable at all. I can't sleep.

6-16-07 I woke up early this morning, Me and Marco were going on the boat to do some fishing
at White Ber Lake. I caught some sunnies, but it was more of a sport day, so catch and release.
The girls, all finally came after and we just went swimming in the lake and hanging out and
drinking. Me and marco were on that boat for over 7 hours. I think my skin finally got burnt for
once. Usually i just get darker. I see some red though. I am glad I got to be out on the lake. I
needed some much need relaxing time. Its too the point, where I don't know how to relax
anymore. I needed to do something like that, cause I can get my mind off things. We went to
the vfw, for cards. I wasn't in the mood to play, so I ran some errands, plus I was suppose to
go soemwhere else later that night. Since my room is being remodeled, I had no where to sleep.
So I had to make a long ride to a friends place to sleep. Hopefully I can get some sleep.

6-15-07 I have been struggling as of late. Just so much stuff on my mind. I don't need to
complicate things. I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe its just cause of all the dust of the
remodeling job downstairs or maybe I just can't sleep. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. I went
tout to Minneapolis to visit Jamie for lunch. I skipped my all staff meeting. I was in an angry
mood and I didn't feel like going. After work today I went to downtown again to visit Dan for his
last day at the helpdesk. It was nice seeing old faces again. I talked to Jason for a bit. For some
reason I just wasn't as vocal. I went to go pick up Mary, since she wanted to go out for a nice
italian dinner. So we went to Southdale to go eat at Maggiano's little italy. I like it there, it give
you that nice comfort feeling. We ended up going to the vfw the rest of the night. I should
sleep like a baby tonight.

6-14-07 Subway tasted great today. I havnt had a foot long in a long time. I was a bit excited
for kickball tonight. I was feeling nervous before the game. I knew this would be an exciting
game. Since both teams are even. We won 9 to 8 in an exciting way. Bottom of the 9th inning,
game is tied at 8 and 8. 2 outs, bases loaded and we got the final scoring run. It was so
exciting. I had alot of fun, made a few catches here and there. But i messed up my throwing
hand when I slid on it wrong. Afterwards I was just kind of in the mood to be solo. I had alot on
my mind tonight. No matter what I do. I just cant shake it.

6-13-07 I was a bit excited to put money into pulltabs tonight. Ok I only put about 5 bucks in,
but hey. I can get excited about it right. I went to the vfw for a drink before I went out to
brunswick zone in brooklyn park. I havn't been over there since we had our bowling league
from last year there. The place was straight up ghetto. I thought I was going to get jumped.
For the first time, I had to go up against another Cu, my brother at bowling. He was good, and
I have losing issues, and I had something to prove that I am the bettrer Cu. I beat him 3 games
out of 5. I played my heart out. It meant so much for me to win. I guess my competitive juices
took over. I walked outside afterwards, and I just noticed people doing drugs all over the place.
tisk tisk to them.

6-12-07 I woke up this morning and I knew I was not going to be able to function. I kept
waking up all night and had trouble sleeping. I decided to take a personal day today. I slept till
1pm and I made a trip to walmart, but that was really it. I got back home and I was put to
some manual labor. My dad was finally going to work on the floors on the lower level of the
house. Well kinda, since he had me do alot of cleaning down there. I went to go watch some
kickball. Andy Jenni and I, went to Old Chicago for dinner. I was feeling pretty full, but atleast I
ate a healthy meal. Well I tried to. I was bored, and I didn't want to go home. So I decided to
goto work and get a few things done. I stayed for a couple of hours. I went to the VFW for
some drinks. I guess after doing some work. I needed some drinks in me. I guess I realized, I
really can't be alone. Especially this month.

6-11-07 It was real busy this morning. I was behind on all my work, but eventually I got caught
up. Lately, everyone has been noticing my mood swings lately. Except, its been a good mood
swing so far. After work today I got home and I just laid in bed. I was just tired, flat and worn
down. I went to the vfw and picked up Mary and we went over to Dan's for poker. Mary
brought home the dinero, since she made over $125 bucks. I walked away ahead, except I
only made $1.25. Hahaha. I had to crawl and scartch my way back into it. I lost alot of money
right away. Luckilliy I came out ahead. We went to Perkins afterwards. Seems like things are
kinda going back to normal.

6-10-07 I was in the mood to go fishing this morning. I was trying to find fish bait. I could not
find any fish bait at all. I drove all over the place, every gas station I could think of my a lake. I
gave up and went to the vfw for some drinks. Later on I went to go play volleyball at Povs. We
won 2 games and lost one. Even though we should have won the 3rd game. Oh well. Andy and
Jenni came to watch. We went to Tanners across the street for dinner. I had some yummy
steak. I have been craving steak for a long time. I am glad I got a chance to eat it. I went to go
bowling afterwards. I did ok, but my arm was getting tired from throwing the ball so much. I
ended up hurting my wrist, but I barely got through it.

6-9-07 I woke up a bit early today. I made my way to walmart and bought a fishing pole. I was
so excited I want to go fishing, but then I realized I had no clue what I was doing when it came
to fishing. I guess that those few times I went fishing with my dad  early teen years never stuck
in my head. I tried to get food at subway, but there was a line out the door. I was in the mood
for some drinks so I went to the VFW and got a few there and participated in the meat raffle. I
went golfing with Mindy at Island lake. I did ok, for my 3rd time lifetime, but I can not drive the
ball. It just stays on the ground and rolls. I am good at the putting and thats where I excelled.
Went back tot he VFw and played some poker. I got 2nd place and I had first place, but Joe
took me down.

6-8-07 Friday was here and I got paid. It was nice getting paid, because my funds were getting
low this week. With extra money going into bills, I have left alot less for my self to spend on my
self. So I guess thats a good thing. I was at Best Buy today with Danielle. I was tempted to buy
stuff, but I held back and didn't buy anything. When you have $100 worth of gift cards, its
hard to contain your self. After work today I got home and I was so tired I ended up napping. I
went to Mike and Heidi's party. I am glad Heidi's brother brought the cheddar wurst. Those are
my favorite, I liked it so much I was just drooling for another one, but it was getting low and I
didn't want to take another one. I was having alot of fun there and I was playing ring toss. Even
though I hate hearing it, I don't mind it when I am wide awake. Seems like everyone was having
a good time and I was getting tired. It was unfortunate, I had alot of energy to release last night
and felt talkative, but I didn't get a chance to use it up. Oh well, I can save it for another night.
These days I am just in a good mood. Even with June 30th coming, to remind me of my past.

6-7-07 Stupid rain clouds, they better stay far far away. I need my kickball tonight. I want to
run around. For lunch today I went to the bagel shop and had my favorite bagel ever. Its a
pizza bagel. I love it so much. After work today I went to the VFW and got some happy hour in.
I had to do the kickball lineups and I wanted a place for me to do it. I went to the Legion and
played cards, I was trying to lose at the end. Giving away winning hands once again. For the
first time I showed someone what I was folding. We won tonight at kickball 19 to 10. It was a
shoot out. I kicked another homerun this year. It was perfect weather for it. I am glad we got
the win. It was a very fun game. I went to the vfw afterwards and got more drinks. I guess
some guy that looks like Rascal Flatts almost got into it. I was lurking behind the guy and I
wanted to choke his ass out. Oh well. Nothing happened though.

6-6-07 Its Wednesday today and it doesnt even feel like it at all. Work kinda dragged a bit
today for me. I was just super busy. After work today i went right to the vfw for some happy
hour. I was getting really angry easilly for no reason. I was a time bomb today. I had to goto
the bathroom to wash the anger off my face. Anyways I drank heavilly tonight. I didn't want to
play poker, but got pushed to play anyways. I lost in the regular tournament but won the 2nd
consolation table. I still got it I guess. I got home and went to bed. I wanted to get in early for
the next day. I hope the weather cooperates tomorrow.

6-5-07  I wanted to get some excercise today. Ofcourse I didn't get any at all. why would I
though. I been very tired for the past few days and its making me have  a hard time getting
out of bed. After work today I went to Fridays for some happy hour. I love their margaritas
there. I drove to phelps to watch Jo play kickball, i guess one of their guys got hurt in practice
so they needed me to sub. I played well, not bad for a guy playing in his khakis. hahaha. I had a
huge grass stain on the sides of my pants and a dirt all over my back. I had to throw in some
electricity. I realized one of my friends was getting the cold shoulder lately and I felt bad for her.
Its unfortunate her friends would do that to her. Makes me realize their are alot of shallow
people who think they are better, when they are not. I went to the vfw afterwards. Joe had me
try a manhatten drink with some cherry juice. Oh, my it felt like drinking a shot every time. It
was painful, but yet good. I could feel the burn, I think it was cleansing my body hahaha.

6-4-07 I got in late today. Well, I should have had it off, so I was slacking. I have ever right to
be. I was so tired, but at the same time I had some exciting ideas running through my head.
After work today I went to cub foods and got some beef and some ingridients for burgers. I
was craving home made burgers for some reason and I havn't ever done it. So I mixed alot of
different recipes together and I called it the "cu" burger. I liked it alot. But maybe it had too
much flavor for the normal person. I went to the VFW for drinks after that. I was feeling a bit
lonely that night and I needed to be out and about. It was a nice out, well after it rained. I been
thinking, the more I cook, the more I have things on my mind, whether its good or bad. So I
am not sure what it is. I am still tired though. Maybe tomorrow I can just sit around and relax.

6-3-07 Got up early for more of the conference. I was feeling a bit tire dand it was such a nice
day out. We couldn't decide if we wanted to play golf or not, but we had to go meet with our
main vendor guy. Before we left town we had there lunch, it was just tacos. Nothing to
exciting. We finally lef ttown and 4 and a half hours later I got home. Well back to TIES. I had
soem time to waste before I went to POV's to play volleyball. I went to the legion for a few
drinks. Then I made my way to POV's. We lost 3 straight games to the best team. The bump,
set, spike all the time. we didn't have a chacne. We kept it close though. I played pretty good
for being drunk. I went to the VFW and then we all went bowling. I made a quick stop to the
Bluefox afterwards. Wow what a busy  day it was.

6-2-07 We started the day with breakfast at Mcdonalds. We had lunch at the hotel and went to
the Douglas Stewart conference. We went to a couple seminars for training on things. Our bags
were full of goodies. Pens, shirts, markers, mugs, we had it all. Scott got some pretty good
stuff, about 200 bucks worth of goodies from I-go. They had some pretty cool stuff. We then
went to the Brink Lounge where they had the dual pianos. We had dinner there with all the
other vendors. We talked to Courtney from DS for a bit there. Shes pretty cool. We then
headed back and watched the pistons game. We also got mcdonalds for snack food. Stupid
pistons, they ended up losing. I am feeling pretty full right now with food. I don't want to eat
right now. More Jim Bean Black tonight.

6-1-07 I got to work today and I was feeling pretty tired from the night before. Me and Scott
got off to an early start and headed to Madison. We had lunch at a A and W and it was nice to
get an old fashioned style eatery. 5 hours of driving we finally arrived to the hotel. We were at a
different hotel then we were last year. We checked in the registration area and got some dinner
and lunch. We decided to get some liquor and just drink inside the hotel the very first night. It
should be a nice getaway from the cities for me. I been feeling pretty stressed lately. I just want
to be ok when I get back home. We watched 300, I liked it alot. It was raining so  much today.
Seems, like its been raining all day. We went to go check out the sourroundings and went to
Best Buy.
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